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Thursday, 25 September 2008

  • taking back

    I found out some more things. Now, I don't even know if it's real anymore. I thought he felt that something I felt too. But I found out how he even asked me out on that very first date, and how he use to think of me before. It looks like he got with me cause he thought I was a slut or some easy chick. But I really liked him, that's the only reason I got with him so fast. I didn't get with the other guys that asked me out. I really liked him. And now, I'm in love with him. He told me he asked me to go with him on the date because his friend told him to call her back later, so he didn't get to ask her. And he didn't want to feel like a third wheel so he asked me to go along. I thought I felt something that day. I really thought he felt it too. I'm very confused now. And I was just telling him how I felt, and all of a sudden he tells me:
    boyfriend (10:04:35 PM): im sorry
    boyfriend (10:04:36 PM): but
    boyfriend (10:04:41 PM): now i feel like
    boyfriend (10:04:58 PM): i dont love u
    He took it back, but if someone truly loves you, would they say such a thing? I don't know what to think anymore. Those words hurt me so much. I really love him and the only thing that would make me love him less is if he breaks up with me and gives me signs that it's really over. Until then, my love stays the same or grows. I'm very hurt. I can't believe he'd say such a thing. I will try to not be so serious about this. I have to go. I don't feel like going to school.

Monday, 15 September 2008

  • Loner

    My boyfriend got mad because I hung out with and spoke to the guy I was talking about in the last post still. Well, I did say I wouldn't talk to guys that use to like me anymore. But, I find it unfair that he still talks to girls that liked him and that he use to like. I'm finding out more and more things these days. And, some of them actually hurt. Cause he talks to the girls still. I remember him telling me he stopped talking to a certain someone, that time I didn't care. But now, because I remember him saying that, I'm kind of upset because he talks to her. Well, he was being honest. But, it still bothers me. Cause he made a big deal about me talking to the guy I mentioned earlier. That guy use to like me, and still did have some feelings for me that time. It's hard to find a true friend. My boyfriend sort of seperated me from my only friends that I don't even feel comfortable with them anymore. I am a loner.

Tuesday, 09 September 2008

  • didn't mean to

    Oh no. I forgot to tell you we're back together. And I thought you knew. I'm sorry if I lead you on. you said you wanted to talk to me privately and I see where it's going. But I had to tell you before you got further. But, I really do love my boyfriend, so I can't do anything about it. I just hope it doesn't spoil our friendship. You're an awesome friend. I can't lose such a friendship. I hope we can still hang out normally again. I apologize if I lead you on. It wasn't my intention to do so.

Monday, 08 September 2008

  • tried

    Today I was planning to break up with him, but it didn't work. I ended up staying with him, but I did mention that I don't think things will work out. I told him how I felt, and he tried to prove them wrong and brought up a lot of stuff that was crazy and tried to make me look worse. When he put his face in front of mine, my heart was pounding because I'm in love with him. I just felt like kissing him but I tried to hold back, then he moved his face so I was good. He admitted that he has smoked with my friend xxxx's boyfriend (xxxx is the girl I spoke to from that convo I posted not too long ago). So I told him, that he wasn't being completely honest with me about everything then if he didn't want to tell me that he smoked. I do have a problem with him smoking, and xxxx has a problem with her boyfriend smoking too. He tried to deny that he wasn't being completely honest with me, and tried to make it look like it's acceptable because he didn't want me to tell xxxx. I won't tell her if he told me not to. But I feel bad for her, and I think it's best that her boyfriend tells her and is honest with her. I won't tell her cause I'm not the one she should hear it from. But yeah, I was upset when he told me that, but I'm glad he told me now at least. I just don't like it when people hide things from me, it depresses me. I feel like no one has been completely honest with me in my life. And my boyfriend did bring up good points about my "best friend". But that was in the past. I still like hanging out with her. She is fun to hang out with. If not a best friend, she can just be my friend. I'm good with that. I do trust my boyfriend more than I've trusted anyone else. But sometimes things seem so weird. I thought we would just break up today, and I'd try my best to just live life without love. It's hard though. I really am in love with him. I just hope that we'll work things out and we'd be happy together forever. I wish it was that simple. I don't want to be the only one working things out here. I need to see some effort from him too. But he believes he's been a perfect boyfriend. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong. This is complicated. I want him to be completely honest with me, like he said he would be. I don't want to be the only one giving my all and being completely honest.
  • red handed

    Babes, I've caught you during your little mischief. You say one thing yet your actions prove others. It kind of seems like you don't believe in us. Maybe I'm just some girl you want to fuck with for sometime. I should of known when you said you love me, too soon. I thought, isn't that impossible. I even expressed how I felt about it and then you got all depressed and made me feel guilty for doubting your love for me. Was it an act? Or did your feelings leave after any issue of ours? Or are you trying to plot revenge for what your ex's have done to you? You lie a lot. Whether you tell me about it, or not. If you're looking for someone else, I'm not the right girl to keep by your side in the meanwhile of your little search. Now, I shouldn't let my feelings for you get any further. Though I like the feeling of being heartbroken a little, I will not let myself get too attached to you, because you don't deserve it. You made me seem like the bad one in this relationship. You are a liar. You get the truth out of me, and you aren't even completely honest with me like you promised you would be. We all know, I'm very naive. But when it comes to this, I'm not that stupid. Your words and actions seem quite the opposite and it makes me wonder why you do half of the stuff you do. You are a very confusing person, and I bet I'm not the only one who thinks so. Maybe my best friend was right after all. There was always something weird about him. I wish she was online right now, so I could talk to her. He tried to get me to not be friends with her because she can see that there was something weird about him, and she was straight up about it. I tried to tell myself, that's not the reason why he doesn't want us to be friends, but it makes more sense to me now. I've been trying to choose whether to confront you, or to wait for a while until I find more reasons to confront your little act. And I thought I was the bad one. Dude, you still look at girls/check girls out, and it's very wrong for me to even look at a guy when I'm not thinking he's hot or cute. Yeah, lately you've been the only cute or hot or sexy guy in my eyes though others think you're ugly. My best friend even told me what she really thought of us together...."Beauty and the Beast". I gave up so much for you, and I felt so guilty of my past wrong doings. Guys are just pigs. All guys are jerks. I thought I was the only one at fault in this relationship. You're just like your brothers friend, whom I strongly dislike, with a passion. I was here thinking, I've found a rare guy that's different from others. I thought you were one of the rare guys. Well, I don't know how long you'd keep this going, but it has to end soon if you really don't love me.

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